Obsessed

I am obsessed by sex.

An ex-partner of mine (who's himself pretty obsessed) used to say I'm so obsessed I made it my job.

When I was younger (in my teens and 20s), I was convinced everyone was as obsessed as me. At least, as curious and open to explore.

What a fascinating topic! I mean, sex IS everywhere.

I was sharing openly about my experiences, curiosities, desires — sometimes looking to shock or create reactions.

I ended up being taken advantage of, slut-shamed and/or rejected for that — by people in high school, friends, partners, or even strangers in the street — men AND women.

My sexual drive has been instrumentalized, used, turned against me. I was deeply alone in this curiosity.

Eventually, I came to realize people had a very different way of being obsessed with sex — by containing this energy through porn, being uncomfortable or prudish around it, or slut-shaming expressions of so-called sexual behaviors.

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Many years later — including years of exploring polyamory, trauma healing, sex work and guiding other humans in their journey toward better relating and sē8uality — I came to understand my obsession was never just about sex per se.

Although I’m deeply fascinated by eroticism and everything around it,

what I’ve really been obsessed with is the expression of Life and Consciousness.

The paradox of being human — an animal body led by a strong and smart mind — and what it creates in terms of complexity when living in society.

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Through Somatic Sex practices,

I found ways to heal through touch and pleasure,

to use the body as a vessel for deep transformation and expanded presence.

Through Tantra, 

I understood that sēxual energy is a Life Force that can be channeled and harnessed into profound altered states of consciousness, and to reconnect with our divine nature.

Through  BDSM and k!nk, 

I discovered how the mind-body interface can support profound, ritualistic, and healing experiences.

How power, taboo, shadow, and surrendering to the darkest places of our psyche can be transmuted into growth.

Yet another doorway into deep self-discovery and the sacred.

Through shamanism,

I explored the link between eros and nature —

our deep connection to the animate and inanimate —

and how we can make love with all of existence.

I journeyed into other dimensions, encountered archetypes, past lives, collective wounds, and transpersonal realms.

Through Temples, 

I’ve held space and witnessed astonishing beauty,

the depth of love,

and the power of group prayer.

I’ve cultivated a living relationship with the Goddess, with Life, and with the Erotic itself.

Through Devotion, 

I’ve met God in a lingam, a scent, a breath, a body part.

I’ve found my mouth to be an entry to the Divine.

“I” dissolved into pure presence — a vessel for Love.

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Through many unnamed or unnamable practices

I’ve experienced unconditional Love, connection to Spirit, states of Ecstasy and rapture.

I explored prayer, healing, transformation, alchemy.

I processed and transmuted emotions, repatterned old wounds, found joy, freedom and new ways to live.

I experienced myself.

I met my Soul, faced my shadows, my Power, and the darkest places of me.

I danced at the edge of madness, and wept in beauty.

I’ve found pleasure, surrender, and orgasm in dancing, in nature, in eating, in singing,

in the merging of bodies,

in the waves of someone else’s climax —

and in surrendering to my own longing.

To me, the topic of “sex” covers way more than genitals pen trating each other or “how to have easier-faster-longer orgasms.”

Sex is a way, a spell, a portal — not a destination.

It’s a strong impulse in our primal nature that activates so much more, and reveals who we are.

So yes, I am obsessed.

I can’t imagine “normal” sex as a regular thing.

I can’t separate it from the rest of existence.

Eros is. It’s everywhere there is Life, Love, and Power.

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And yet, I’m not “having s ex” with many people.

I’m extremely discerning with whom I share erotic energy.

I seek partners who are deeply curious and ready to co-journey with me intentionally in these spaces — and that’s A LOT to hold.

I barely masturbate.

Although I’m open about it, I’ve never really been drawn to porn.

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And still — I keep my more “sexual” self very discreet.

My sexual energy is powerful — and contained.

Because I made it the spine of my life.

Because it is — by essence — sacred.